We have the opportunity to securely attach to someone when we feel that someone is genuinely available to tune in with us and is emotionally close to us. Tuning in with someone means having empathy, desire, ability, and intention to go where that person is, without judgment, but with the authentic desire to see, hear, and know who we are facing. Being emotionally close to someone means having an inner space for our feelings and the other’s feelings, having the ability to tolerate and let the intensity of our and their emotions flow without repressing them or falling into them or exploding. This doesn’t mean we will never say no, and never feel annoyance or anger; on the contrary, we will also be available to welcome what anger brings as a gift of awareness. Secure attachment doesn’t exclude any emotion, and doesn’t believe that there are negative emotions to repress or not show; it is, rather, a communion of emotions and surpasses the dichotomy of good and bad. In a secure attachment, we are more interested in authenticity than in pleasing. We feel free to be as we are, even with the so-called negative sides because we know the other truly wants to know us, and we also genuinely want to know the other. If we still see positive and negative sides, we can hold them together, tolerate their existence, and not break the relationship, fear abandonment, practice preventive detachment to avoid suffering. Couples in desire that find themselves in this phase, which is now more common, I call couples on the path. They are evolving. They are the couples in which the conception, now very fashionable and often considered as the endpoint, that we stay together to learn and that the other is our best teacher, gains ground. It’s true, but it’s a phase, a transition since the scenario is still dominated by a sense of imperfection that needs perfecting, of an unresolved issue that needs resolving, of a lack that needs filling. We still have two students making each other teachers. Beyond this, there is a pink horizon where the dawns of perfect days arise, where the couple is made up of two deities manifesting exactly as they are. Here, the brain functions in the integration of its parts and systems, in coherence; consciousness has taken a real leap, and love is happy because it is created through two people who are simply fascinated by the how in their relationship, individually and together, they generate intertwined forms of life, a blend of reality and fantasy.
If the other is predictable, you are no further ahead than someone moving in circles in a labyrinth. How presumptuous it is to know who the person next to us truly is… the other who becomes familiar, the other who is now an open book… and yet, it is a mystery right there beside us, could be a thousand men or a thousand women, a god or a goddess. And when we surrender, yes, when we surrender and stop with labels, judgments, definitions, and theories, then a mystery of belonging takes place. In this sense, love is an initiation, a sacrament, a miracle, and sexuality is its ritual, its mantra, its prayer. Making love allows us to cross the threshold of the timeless, the dark, the silence, where eternity is not a larger time but another dimension. It is union love if our partner increasingly becomes the expression of life for us, if we shine with him or her, express our talents, our gifts, to the fullest and best. It is union love if the soul of the beloved supports ours in its expansion, in its flight, if thanks to the soul beside us, we fly better and more, and so does our beloved. Alchemy happens, whereby thinking about our well-being, loving, respecting, and expressing ourselves, we also do the good of the other because truly we are the other, and the other is us. Taking care of ourselves, we take care of the other and do not need to exit the union. Being free, we set the other free and do not need to exit the union. Being ourselves, we allow the other to be themselves and we are one. The couple in union does not evolve, it builds the soul. All that we have written so far are not words for the rational mind; in union, it is ultimately a matter of consciousness, presence, emptiness, abandonment, intuition, faith in what cannot be explained, in a path that does not exist but leads beyond.
And monogamy? Some say it is not innate, some say it is natural. Some bring examples from the animal world, some say that man betrays nature, and some do not betray if they tell themselves a story or do it by contract or faith. Some are convinced that love exists only in fairy tales, and some pursue the ideal that, if love is there, everything comes by itself. The point is that all these discourses are the prerogative of the mind and the mind in a dimension of reasoning that does not take into account the quantum leap that happens in couples in union. It is a change of consciousness, such that nothing that usually creates problems for couples has reason to exist. For example, betrayal: in couples in union, betrayal is not that it does not happen or is avoided, it simply does not exist. If we are truly in union, we are our partner, and our partner is us, so how could we betray ourselves? But this is a declination that cannot be understood with the mind. On the contrary, it becomes evident, instantly when we go from need to desire, to the path, up to union. In couples in the union, we truly accept the person in front of us, as they are: in this sense, we are in union. We do not wish for them to be different, to change… we do not think we know something that the other does not know about themselves. We do not think we have to correct them or that they need to improve. We see them and want to see them as they are or, more precisely, as we are creating them. We know that the other is a reflection of us, as we are of them, and that the other constantly gives us the gift of revealing ourselves, as we do to them in turn. This does not mean that we will not feel annoyance, anger, and conflicting emotions: it means that after having the inner strength to face them when we are in evolving couples, then we will live in that flow in which every event ceases to be positive or negative, it simply happens, just like the traits, the roughness, the sweetness, the fragility, the courage of the one next to us. Couples in union are living paradoxes: free and united, autonomous and interpenetrated, united and constantly dialectical, stable and never still, satisfied and in constant transformation. They know that gestures, words, and thoughts create. This is the quantum leap that is often talked about. Yes, have you ever thought about it?
