Sometimes it guides us without even realizing it. It acts within us profoundly, from the most hidden recesses of the tissues of our organs, from the glands of our hormonal system, from the limbic memories of ancient scents, and the patterns learned in the preverbal unconscious. Couples formed out of need are those where the union has been established as a way to satisfy the often complementary needs of both partners. In other words, neither of the two has resolved at least that initial phase of growth that allows them to feel autonomous and responsible for her/his own life and survival in the world. Neither of them has matured to the position of an adult individual capable of providing for herself/himself and meeting her/his own needs and desires. In this dimension, the needs that drive the creation of the couple can range from the most basic and material to much subtler but equally decisive needs, such as the need for care, self-esteem, emotional security, recognition, stability, and protection. It should be immediately clarified that these needs should not be denied or left unfulfilled. They are fundamental human needs that also exist in couples defined as in union, but the question is how they operate in the relationship between the two.
In couples based on need, the other is fundamentally experienced as a means to achieve the goal, as a tool for satisfaction, and thus the partner, in turn, experiences us. The typical statement that synthesizes couples based on need is “I am with you because I need you.” The other is therefore not seen as a person with their unique and original way of being and life path but as a means to an end. When we are in a couple based on need, we actually put pressure on the other because we want to achieve happiness, our own happiness. It’s not about building happiness together. Couples based on need are dominated by reptilian functioning, which is oriented towards survival and sees others as objects and means to obtain personal satisfaction.
However, over time, and often not simultaneously, this becomes unpleasant. One of the two undergoes a growth path or life events leading to change, and suddenly they wake up from a long sleep. They want to return to being themselves without having to literally provide protection, attention, recognition, compliance, endurance, and so on continuously. They feel the demand hidden in the other’s request, feel the pressure of this need, and no longer want it. Then, plans turn into disappointment, love into anger, and the bond into separation.
